1. Ayahuasca Anti-Vaxxers 5-2 (Last Result: L 157-160)
Change in Rank: -
If you ain’t cheating, you ain’t trying. Even if he loses to Wolf this week, our corrupt commissioner surely has to be the odds-on favorite to win the league this year. How did Noskin know to draft Josh Downs, Adam Thielen, and Achane? Surely some form of corruption. And why did Flynn let Noskin take CMC after talking about taking him in the weeks leading up to the draft? We’ll have to investigate…
Noskin’s hot start (along with some shitters from everyone else) almost guarantees his spot in the playoffs, and by then the four-headed dragon of CMC, Etienne, Conner, and Achane will be back. In the meantime, the Anti-Vaxxers should be projected 150+ each week, so it’s just a matter of living up to potential.
Side note: I dusted Noskin 177-122 in the alumni league. #NoskinCorrupt #NotMyLawyer #NotMyCommissioner
MY WORDS OF WISDOM TO YOU
"Being at the top is not a destination but a journey. Let the height amplify your vision, not breed complacency. Keep climbing, for even the sky is not the limit."
2. Choochville Sack Dumpers 5-2 (Last Result: L 149-160)
Change in Rank: +1
Rather than viewing Week 7 as a loss, I imagine Vino and Flynn partook in a shared sack dumping session. Vino is always at the top of the league (as long as you don’t look at any of the previous years) and will continue to be so every single season. Is he a fantasy football god? Noskin says yes. Does he enjoy dumping sack? Definitely.
Vino’s bench last week could legitimately be a playoff team in this league (G Wilson, Deebo, Monty, Zay, Miles) and he still managed to drop almost 150 points with a ragtag starting lineup. This proves how much the game is about coaching rather than individual players, exhibited in Vino’s week-in, week-out C17H21NO4 gameplan. As long as there is sack to be dumped, there will be games to be won (there will always be sack to be dumped).
MY WORDS OF WISDOM TO YOU
"In the revelry of excess, remember that life's most lasting joys are built on balance. Celebrate the moments, but guard the foundation; for a party without pause can lead to a precipice."
3. Pollard Greens 5-2 (Last Result: W 160-157)
Change in Rank: +2
A man of honor and integrity, Wolf showed mercy to Doolittle with his initial wheel submission, but he has shown no mercy to his opponents this season. Tied for 1st place in the league, Wolf boasts a title-ready lineup with elite starters in every position. One injury and he might be fucked, but benches don’t win championships, the 10 men on the field do. Fuck depth. The one position Wolf was lacking was TE, but Knox just went down, and Kincaid is about to have a 99% snap share. Wolf might have tried to diddle my roster when I was drunk in Vegas, but I was asking for it...I mean did you see what I was wearing?
MY WORDS OF WISDOM TO YOU
"In the union of two hearts, there's a boundless capacity to embrace more. By extending an invitation to one, we often find we're welcoming many, enriching the tapestry of our shared memories." (Give us +1s to the wedding)
4. Mr. Chedda's Feta Defendahs 4-3 (Last Result: L 128-165)
Change in Rank: -2
Did Hank have the misfortune of playing Dido on his make-a-wish week? Or did Dido just prove he was the superior co-manager last season? I say both.
Every week I’m shocked that Hank is using a meme that was hot for a week as his team name instead of something related to tush pushing. Nevertheless, although Hank has one of the weakest backfields in the league (Noskin stole them all, corrupt), Tyreek is capable of single-handedly winning matchups on a weekly basis. As long as Tyreek is healthy, so are Hank’s chances of winning a second championship.
MY WORDS OF WISDOM TO YOU
"Much like the trees shed their leaves to embrace new growth, a timely trim can renew our spirit and refresh our perspective. Embrace change, for sometimes, a little snip can lead to a grand transformation." (Get a haircut)
5. 20 Push Ups 4-3 (Last Result: W 143-108)
Change in Rank: +3
Well, well, well…if it isn’t the most handsome man in the league. If I could rank you higher, I would. However, you must remain humble. Injuries to Saquon and Kyren have hampered the Push Ups season, while top-tier performances from draft-steals AJ Brown and D’Andre Swift have balanced out the lows. If not for the Brotherly Shove, these two would have league-winning potential. Alas, Hurts tush must be pushed.
As for Dan himself, he’s been oddly quiet trading-wise this season due to an advanced (dingle) schmear campaign from league officials. Rumors are flying that Dan may sue the league for defamation in the off-season. The league better lawyer up, and make sure they’re a good one (preferably first-time bar passers like Hank).
MY WORDS OF WISDOM TO YOU
"True greatness is not in seeing your own reflection, but in discovering the beauty in others. Let the world be your mirror, and you might find a richer image staring back." (I’m a narcissist)
6. Two's Company, Three's a Stroud 3-4 (Last Result: L 111-146)
Change in Rank: -2
Well, well, well…if it isn’t the second most handsome man in the league. If I could rank you higher, I wouldn’t, because that would mean moving me lower.
Kevin’s full-time focus is on serving minors (and Hank) alcohol and streaming DOTA to Australians, so being in the top half in the power rankings at this time is quite the achievement. Like Wolf and I, Kevin’s strength is not in depth, but in his starters. However, Mostert and KJ Osborn will struggle to remain relevant when Achane and JJettas return, respectively, and my inside sources in the Seahawks fanbase tell me DK might be on his way out. That said, this team is more than capable of winning any given Sunday.
MY WORDS OF WISDOM TO YOU
"Life's true victories are not just in the games we play, but in the choices we make. Channel your skills and passions for greater good, and you'll find a legacy more rewarding than any leaderboard."
7. Poverty Franchise 3-4 (Last Result: W 160-149)
Change in Rank: +2
Flynn snaps a 3-game losing streak with a mutual win with the sack dumpers. Who knew a little cocaine was all Flynn needed to perform at his best? Rashee Rice is nasty, Gibbs is finally getting the ball (albeit Monty is injured), and this team put up 160 without Jamarr Chase. It’s almost like you don’t even need him. You should definitely just trade him away (preferably to someone handsome).
MY WORDS OF WISDOM TO YOU
"Missed opportunities are but a moment's regret; the true test is how we seize the next chance that comes our way. In every decision, there lies another opportunity waiting to be embraced." (Accept my trade offers)
8. Pepper Steaks 3-4 (Last Result: W 146-111)
Change in Rank: +2
We give Chuck a lot of shit for his original depth comprising of 3 QBs and 3 Kickers, but he at least went to the waiver wire and picked up skill players. Ross flat out refuses to pick up players in general, as he has 3 vacant spots on his bench and only 3 total acquisitions all season. I know there’s not much out there, but at least venture out and pick up some handcuffs or rookie WRs. Does this guy even care???
I had Ross lower, but that Kirk/Addison duo just beat the bricks off Kev.
MY WORDS OF WISDOM TO YOU
"In the heart of every German lies the strength of the Alps and the depth of the Rhine. Embrace your roots, push forward with determination, and let the world see the power of passion and precision combined."
9. Team Booflittle 5-2 (Last Result: W 97-84)
Change in Rank: -2
Finally, the wheel has been re-spun and we don’t have to watch Doolittle make buckeyes…we just have to hear about how he ate some wings? 4 wins on the trot for Doolittle and the most mid squad I have ever seen. But as the saying goes, defense wins championships, and boy does he know how to prevent people from putting up points against him. Doolittle will be in the playoffs, and JJettas will be back by then, and if he clones himself this squad has a serious shot at the title (they don’t) (how is Doolittle 5-2) (someone please put up more than 100 points against this guy) (I’m upset).
MY WORDS OF WISDOM TO YOU
"Bravery isn't just about facing giants, sometimes it's taking that fiery bite. Embrace the heat, for on the other side of the burn lies a tale of triumph."
10. Chubb take my knee 4-3 (Last Result: L 108-143)
Change in Rank: -4
TAYSOM HILL IS ELITE. With 5 players on a bye (including Derrick Henry), there wasn’t much hope for Gurv this week to begin with, but I’ll be damned if that white man didn’t send shivers up my spine (pause).
3 losses in a row is a tough look, but this streak can’t last forever (unless it does). Whatever the Browns are giving the refs, Gurv should try offering to the fantasy gods.
MY WORDS OF WISDOM TO YOU
"Strength is not defined by the parts we're given, but by the spirit we embody. Without knees, you stand tall in ways the world is yet to see, proving that true resilience and grace come from within."
11. The Hole in Ones 2-5 (Last Result: W 165-128)
Change in Rank: +2
There’s just no shot that ice was empty. Bunbelievable tbh. Also bunbelievable is Dido wanting to trade away Patrick Mahomes. I mean fine, I didn’t want to give up Graham Gano so easily but, I guess I’ll take Patty. Or give Mahomes to Noskin (we’re in cahoots this season and agreed to split the winnings if either of us win it all. Just one of the many examples of corruption in this league that will go unnoticed. But if you can’t beat em, join em)
MY WORDS OF WISDOM TO YOU
"Distance from those we cherish can deepen the roots of our connection. While circumstances may separate us physically, the bonds of friendship endure, reminding us that true connections are felt in the heart, not just seen with the eyes."
12. Noskin's Cheap Flights 2-5 (Last Result: W 123-68)
Change in Rank: -
Bijan caught a case of the sniffles, but thankfully Eric was matched up against a team that put up a record low point total. Which is well deserved as he has had the most points against him up until this point in the season. With a little change in luck, and given how close the league is record-wise, Eric getting into the playoffs isn’t completely out of the question. However, all these players (besides Kamara) are the definition of boom/bust, and I just can’t see all of them coming together on the same week multiple times to have a shot at the title. On the flip side, Kamara will continue to get 15 targets a game and ensure Eric avoids the wheel.
MY WORDS OF WISDOM TO YOU
"Fortune ebbs and flows, but it is our inner strength and perseverance that define our journey. In the wake of adversity, remember that the darkest nights often precede the most radiant dawns."
13. The Renaissance Men 1-6 (Last Result: L 68-123) *ICE*
Change in Rank: +1
A record low points scored and moving up? What are you nuts? Fuck you.
The reports of Chuck’s death have been greatly exaggerated…that being said, this team has still been ass. HOWEVER, Chuck has not been at full strength once this season…until now. Burrow and Mixon have been sub-par, Diontae and Kupp have been on IR, Woods and Schultz were on bye last week. With his pair of BengaWs coming fresh off a bye and a full-strength line-up going into Week 8, I can confidently say that I would much rather face the team below than The Renaissance Men.
MY WORDS OF WISDOM TO YOU
"When you've hit rock bottom, the only direction left is up. Embrace the climb, for the view from the top will be worth every step."
14. Hank at Fourth Street 3-4 (Last Result: L 84-97)
Change in Rank: -3
THESE ARE MY RANKINGS SO I CAN DO WHAT I WANT.
BJ might have a 3-4 record, but I believe he used up all his make-a-wish magic in his win vs Flynn two weeks ago. Hank at Fourth Street has the 2nd fewest PF (and PA which explains his 2 other wins) with a roster that is only trending down. Younghoe Koo (not Diggs) could carry this team to a few more Ws throughout the rest of the season, but the likes of Jacobs, London, Kmet, and Moss are far too inconsistent to have any real hope. The elite South Korean kicker, favorable matchups, and Chuck prioritizing family dinner over the draft (fag) are the only reason BJ has been out of wheel contention so far. The law of averages MUST mean teams will start to score points when matched up against BJ, so I foresee some dark(er) days ahead.
(He also said Drake ass foh)
MY WORDS OF WISDOM TO YOU
"In the rhythm of life, after the dance of abundance comes the lesson of humility. Embrace the ebb as you did the flow, for growth often flourishes in the valleys of our journey.
We use cookies to analyze website traffic and optimize your website experience. By accepting our use of cookies, your data will be aggregated with all other user data.